Who Am "I"?

There's a time where we start questioning all our surroundings, reevaluating our action plans and goals, and seeking proofs to define our reality. What is reality? What is normality? Who am "I"?

Who am I? I am defined by my society. I don't have the freedom to define who I am. I am shaped by the who, the what and the where. I am all that you and you and you and you are. I am because of you.

Yes, I have evolved and changed over the years as I changed my perspective of life. But why? Why did I change? What changed me?

You. Each and every one of you. Every heart-breaking, saddening, depressing, or empowering, epiphanous, enlightening moment I lived and experienced was memorable and influential.

This reminds me of a poem I wrote on June 19, 2008:


A Name, A Fingerprint, and A Smile

I will write you a letter,
To tell you how happy I am,
To tell you about my life: what I did and planning to do
To talk about my dreams and my accomplishments
I want to let you know of me,
The long way I took, and the way I am heading to.
So I reached to the paper and pen,
Wrote the title, the date and addressed it properly;
First word: Hi! Second word: ….
It was blank.
I don’t know who I am; I don’t know how far I got.
I acknowledge my past; I recognize I got somewhere, so called: The Present…
But what’s the catch? What’s different about me?
Just another name on the list? Another letter in a stack?
Another girl in a family? Another student in a university?
As far as I know I carved my name on the letter,
Stamped my fingerprint as my signature,
And sealed it with a smiley face…
That’s how far I got in knowing myself, but how far are you?



Note:

My name is a shallow code.

My fingerprint is what makes me the one and only me.

My smile is my memory of me to me and (hopefully) to you. "If you understand my smile, you'll understand me"

Probably, Most Probably

At times when words seem to freely flow
And laughter seems to make my heart magically glow
I remember your hugs and miss them the most
I sleep and dream of your company, of your friendly ghost

Maybe I’m holding on to what I shouldn’t be
Or I’m being blinded, forbidden to acknowledge what I’m supposed to see
But for once I refuse to deny a warming spark
Even If I would have to experience future nights in the dark

Just maybe, I will hold off a couple of my senses
Will that issue me a break from ‘further expenses’?
I might eventually abandon my solitary stand
Being lifted up and beyond, by a touch of your hand

But probably, most probably, I will suddenly get struck
Strong enough to slip me back into my consciousness, and stay stuck
Stuck in between a reality of wonders and a wonder of realities:
An unequal mixture of hopes’ disappointments and promises’ informalities

Feb 23, 2009

Doomed Into Another You

Just leave me alone,
Can’t you see you’ve created what can’t be undone?
A side that nobody will see,
Unless you were there talking, somewhere, around me
I have tried to shut you off so many times over and over again
But when my ‘off’ buttons are overused, what am I supposed to do then?
I will have been doomed into another you
Another unwanted creature of unknown existence to pursue
I can’t wait to sleep, to dream
A dream that is anti-you, a dream of supreme
Though in reality, loud noises come from another unknown source
Hurts my ears to bear such a voice: striking and coarse
For a period of time I was allowed a time off
I was at the crest and left you at the trough
I can’t wait till the day of you going away
Just so that I can breathe out, once again, during the day

Jan 21, 2009

Sentenced to Obedience

You know I try to figure it out alone

And not nag to everybody about my stories everyday

But it doesn’t work when you are emotionally stoned

Feel like drowning or burning – never the right way

It’s one of those days that you spend thinking about tomorrow

Then worry more about what happened yesterday

Embracing your today with a crushed sorrow

Trapped in a cage that’s scheduled to decay

I really don’t like staring with despair

Sealing the rays of sunlight with mashes of gray

What happened to hope, faith and prayer?

Losing the world in the dark secretly steals life away

I look for the end on an open road

I still retain my imagination in an old portray

Dreaming a scream to let out the internal mold

Then waking up to the scarred reality that I am sentenced to obey

November 07, 2008